The War is over.

Von-Pooper quits Concedes Defea

Hello to my Tin Can brethren from all around the world! Over the past few weeks a lot of things been happening here at Tin Can Sports behind the scenes and we decided to release this what was at first confidential material. We have low values and even lower ethics just like my fellow writer Sean Penn who should be chopped up in little bits by spring! OK here we go! Just a few weeks ago the guy(the fact he is a guy has never been verified) who runs Cake House blog who goes by @VanPooper gave our owner and head writer @BurgerBumps a call and asked to discuss a truce between our blogs and even a merger, YES HE ASKED TO BE CONSOLIDATED IN TO TIN CAN SPORTS! It seems he knew he was fighting a losing literary battle with a far superior enemy and that superior enemy is us!!! When we pressured POOPER further he added after hiring @CHBmatt to CHB he immediately realised the mistake he made. The mistake was Matt was a much better blogger than him and on top of that Matt actually gave a shit about what he was writing. VonShitter couldn't believe that someone actually wanted to put effort in their work. So VP's plan was to merge with us and have us fire Matt cause VP was born with no balls! Since its really true Von-Pooper was born without a single ball let alone two we thought we would do a little background check on our potential no testicle having employee who we'll call VP for the rest of what is Tin Can Sports first investigative piece!! Well first let me show you what this tool named VP looks like.

Yes I know I can end this right here cause this photo is all I need for people to realise the fraud that is VON POOPER! Look at this guy he's a mix of wigger and skate freak all in one! Tell me this kid didn't get stuffed in to a locker or two in his time! I don't think our readership can take another pic showing this guys lame ass mug so lets take a look at VON SHITTERS fashion sense. Need I say more? I don't know what to call this, heroin geek or maybe West coast bitch. Both fit this poor excuse for a man! The first person that would grant us a interview was a Uncle of VP. He wanted animosity because even his own Uncle is embarrassed of this fraud so we will call him Uncle GENE. Uncle Gene said VP grew up in a rich family that owned a lot of property around California. This is relevant because even with all the money and privilege that came with being a Von Pooper his mother refuse any help raising her son. This meant no school for Von Pooper and no friends either. Uncle Gene VP was a complete sheltered mamas boy who would cry constantly. Up until 18 years old he would cry when his show on TV switched to commercials so his mommy taped everything and edited out the commercials. I wanted to know more about how he interacted with kids his age but as Uncle Gene said he had no friends. Mamma VP fixed this problem buy paying for people his age to play with him. Whats interesting about this is many kids would quit and never come back because he was suck a awkward dick that even money couldn't buy him friends!! I thought this over protective mommy angle was a huge reason for Von Poopers overall lameness so I sought out his Psychologist. This is where my former skills came in to play. As all you know there's doctors patient privilege so I couldn't just couldn't walk in and ask for the notes on the biggest loser she ever treated. She would have thought of Pooper real quick buy the whole privilege thing would come in to play. So I decided take the female doctor out to dinner and used my overall smoothness and the good looks I was born with that Pooper wasn't to take her home to her house in Orange County. After turning her out something vicious she passed out and I slid out of bed to locate Popper's file. When I located the file I couldn't believe my eye's! It seems VP is the mamas boys of mamas boy but he took it to unprecedented levels. After being home schooled since birth he begged to try public school. There was one problem tho, VP was still BREAST FEEDING at 15yrs old! They solved this problem by mama Pooper waiting in the nurses station with her life milk whenever VP needed a pick me up!! I couldn't believe what I was reading and threw up in my mouth while reading it. I have so much more to show you guys but this is just a blog and already is running long. Us here at Tin Can Sports decided instead of picking and choosing the most relevant facts about Poppers life we make this a 2 part series. Just so all you know what we're dealing with when it comes to VP and so you get a taste of what to expect next week in part 2, let me leave you with what Von Poopers Psychologist wrote about something she has never seen before the one who calls himself Von Pooper. From the time VP was a baby all the way until now in his young adulthood he would get pretty bad fevers. I'm talking about at a minimum once a week they needed to make sure Popper's temperature didn't crawl above 100°. I know what your saying, that's not a big deal or poor VP that must've been real tough! Get ready cause here's the kicker, im putting it CAPS! After reading it you would understand why! THE PART ABOUT MAMMA VP CHECKING POOPERS TEMPERATURE THAT WAS ALARMING IS THIS! ALL THE WAY FROM 1 DAY OLD TILL NOW IN HIS TWENTIES VON POPPERS MOM POOPERS WOULD TAKE HIS TEMPERATURE ONE WAY AND THAT WAY IS RECTAL!!! Yes you heard it here first 3 times in this very new year POPPER'S MOMMY SHOVED A MERCURY FILLED TOOL UP POPPER'S VERY WHITE ASS!!!

Now all you know why this report needs 2 parts. We all need to get our head wrapped around this. To say all we uncovered now would be a mistake so please look for part two sometime next week about the MAMAS BOYS OF ALL MAMAS BOYS!!! In closing @CHBmatt who does have talent is overjoyed with @vonpoopers departure. He now understands why Popper's mother would always come to the blogs office and immediately take VP im the office, locking the door behind (get the joke BEHIND😂) him. He also gets why there were so many Vaseline jars and old fashion thermometers laying around his office. Tell @vonpooper this doesn't mean he's a weirdo and in today's society we will even accept his 25 year old breastfeeding and RECTAL Vaseline thermometer taking wigger being ass!! Tell us what Von Pooper's new nickname should be and how happy you all are we didn't hire the Poopster?!!!! Follow us- @TinCanSports (Me) @dfritzlo (Writer) @YoKhed (Boss) @TinCan0